I'm totally freaking out today and I have no idea what to do about it ... I need your help ... please!!!
The day started out great, just like any other ... I slept great and was just having a great conversation with Boobie while finishing up my morning snack when this big old beast of a contraption was brought out. Mommy then slowly put me into it and then got all excited ... she said "I can't believe it, she's at 9 pounds now ... that around a three pound gain in the last 4 weeks!"
Now I don't know how to count yet, but if I punch the numbers into Excel and use a simple straight forward "Compound Interest" formula, the results are staggering. From my analysis, I'll weigh over 500 lbs by my first birthday!!!
Now it's not like I'm a rocket scientist (like Daddy), but unless I've made a major mistake somewhere (which isn't very likely), it looks like I'm on the path towards joining this national child obesity problem we have here in the US! Plus, I should note that I'll look like a beached whale ... well, a very small beached whale since I'll most likely only be 2-3 ft tall!!!
Please look over my analysis (below) and let me know if I've made some sort of wrong calculations. I started with my original birth weight (~ 6 lbs) and used the percent increase that I had for this second month (~ 50%) to project forward.
Now I don't know how to count yet, but if I punch the numbers into Excel and use a simple straight forward "Compound Interest" formula, the results are staggering. From my analysis, I'll weigh over 500 lbs by my first birthday!!!
Now it's not like I'm a rocket scientist (like Daddy), but unless I've made a major mistake somewhere (which isn't very likely), it looks like I'm on the path towards joining this national child obesity problem we have here in the US! Plus, I should note that I'll look like a beached whale ... well, a very small beached whale since I'll most likely only be 2-3 ft tall!!!
Please look over my analysis (below) and let me know if I've made some sort of wrong calculations. I started with my original birth weight (~ 6 lbs) and used the percent increase that I had for this second month (~ 50%) to project forward.
Avery's weight prediction
I have to show my analysis to Mommy and Daddy before it's too late to stop this ... maybe you can help. Can someone please talk to them about this ... or wait, remember they were really happy about this month's weight gain, so maybe they really are idiots! Forget trying to talk with them, please just call the police (or the coast guard) for me to get them involved!!!
3 comments:
Avery, your calculation is correct. Your horrible parents obviously do not know how to feed you properly so I have reported them to Child Protective Services and recommended that you be placed in the custody of your maternal grandparents. It's for the best.
signed/a concerned, but impartial, observer
You look very charming in your very fashionable onesie. But,I am troubled to hear yet another instance of such terrible abuse by your parents. The terrible tale of your immersion torture is fresh in my mind. I agree that the proper authorities must be alerted!
My dear young Avery,
The first lesson that a young lady, even one as young as yourself, learns, is that one never, never, ever discusses weight let alone giving up such details as the exact amount online for the whole world to see. That said, another important lesson that one cannot learn too early is not to wear bright white! Try vertical stripes and black is always a good choice to hide a huge belly, and for heavens sake sit up straight!
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